they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
