I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this beer tastes like vomit already
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
