You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
