so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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