...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
