seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
