Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
