Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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