I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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