I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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