Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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