I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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