I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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