I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this beer tastes like vomit already
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
