I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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