Four minutes until I can fart!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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