This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
