Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Enjoy the penises
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
