life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
