god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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