I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
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No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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