my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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