my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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