you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
