he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You ate ashes out of my bong
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
