Whod you bang
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
