Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
