I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
