my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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