My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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