this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
