Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
