it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
