I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Did I show you my penis last night?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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