Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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