Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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