38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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