my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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