cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
