so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
