wanna go halves on a baby?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
