I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
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