I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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