so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
