I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I touched a dick in church today
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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