Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
