Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
