after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
