bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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