My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
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You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
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that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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