I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
