Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
