Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
