i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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