shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You're like the curious george of whores
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
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